The 5-Part Love Letter By John Gray
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© 1984. John Gray, What You Feel You Can Heal 1
What’s the point of the 5-part love letter? Based on a talk by John Gray
One of the most effective ways to release negativity and communicate in a more loving fashion with someone
close to you is to use the Love Letter Technique, first introduced in John Gray’s book, What You Feel You Can
Heal. Basically, by feeling and concurrently writing out your feelings, then negative emotions automatically
diminish and positive feelings increase.
John Gray writes that of all the methods for giving feedback to a partner, this love letter (or feeling letter)
technique has been shown to be the most effective.
The concept is this: Whenever we’re stressed, if we can’t just let it go, we’re subconsciously gripping onto
negative emotions. By bringing our attention and awareness to our emotions — we feel rejected, we feel
ignored, we feel inadequate – this is how we come to know what’s inside ourselves. When we can know the
emotions, the painful emotions that are associated with stress we’re feeling, then we can release them.
The idea is to go through a series of specific painful emotions that are universal to everyone. As you go through
these four levels, a shift will take place and you’ll get in touch with the actual desire —your soul’s desire —
which is being frustrated, and what gives rise to painful emotions.
Our anger, sadness fear and guilt are painful emotions —but if you feel these specific emotions, something
unlocks, and they get released and you get in touch with your pure desire underneath.
Then after writing out your pure desire underneath, it’s like this seed of wisdom emerges from within yourself,
the soul’s wisdom comes forth. Love comes forth, wisdom comes forth, forgiveness comes forth. The ability to
resolve any stress immediately comes forth if you take the time to reflect on and feel your emotions. This is
most powerfully done if you use both sides of your brain, which means to not just feel the emotion, (that’s on
the right side), but to give the emotion a name and to express it, (that’s the left side). This is what you’re doing
when you write this feeling letter (love letter).
This is a process you can do by yourself to release stress immediately, and particularly in your relationships
when you’re mad at your partner, when you’re upset, when you’re shutting down. When you are closing your
heart, sit down and write this feeling letter. Be free of any worries if you’ll want to give it to your partner. And
when you write, imagine your partner is open and loving, and that you’re able to say whatever you feel.
You start out by feeling the four universal emotions. The first is anger, frustration or rage, where you feel mad
at somebody. You just freely express yourself; you’re not going to hurt anybody. You do that for a couple of
minutes and then you go to the next level, which is to feel the feelings of sadness, disappointment, or hurt. You
just explore those feelings and write them out. You’re feeling those emotions as you’re writing them.
Then the next level, after a couple of minutes, write what you’re afraid of, what you’re concerned about, or
feel scared about. As you write those out, you’ll feel it more strongly and you’ll feel the pain. That’s why it’s so
hard for people to do this — it’s so important to clarify within yourself that your intention is to feel the pain so
it will go away. It’s like having a sore muscle and someone gently massages it, the pain increases a bit, and then
it relaxes and goes away.
You go through those three levels, then the fourth level is what you feel embarrassed about or what you
regret, what you feel sorry about, or what you feel ashamed of. That’s the deepest level.
The 5-Part Love Letter By John Gray
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© 1984. John Gray, What You Feel You Can Heal 2
When you finish that, then ask yourself, “What is it that I want? What is it that I wish? What is it that I need?”
Express that for a couple of minutes, and then the resolution takes place. The stress is now starting to dissipate
as you get in touch with what you appreciate, what you’re grateful for, what you understand, and what you
trust.
If there’s some issue of blame involved, then write to the person: “What I forgive you for...” , or, if you’re
blaming yourself: “What I forgive myself for....”
This is such a powerful tool that anybody can use. Just doing this will immediately, within 15-20 minutes, cause
your stress level to dramatically drop. You’ll gain a greater perspective so you can let go of these stresses that
hold you back.
See his full talk here:
https://marsvenus.com/the-feeling-letter-how-to-communicate-difficult-feelings-to-a-loved-one/
Three aspects to the Love Letter Technique
You may choose to do one, two or all three parts.
1. Write a Love Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret and love. You imagine
your partner is very open and can truly hear you.
2. Write a Response Letter expressing in more detail what you want to hear from your partner.
3. Share your Love letter/ and the Response Letter with your partner, in whichever way you want, so
that your partner can learn about your needs.
Guidelines for Writing a Love Letter
1. Address the letter to your partner. Imagine that he or she is listening to you with love and
understanding.
2. Include all 5 sections: start with anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret, and finally
love. You can use the lead-in phrases below, or write your own.
3. Write a few sentences about each feeling. Speak in simple terms.
4. After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling.
5. Do not stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the appreciation and love to come
out.
6. Sign your name at the end. Take a few moments to think about what you need or want as a response, and
write that in the P.S. (Or, write a Response Letter).
Guidelines for Writing a Response Letter
1. Imagine your partner is able to respond lovingly to your hurt feelings - the ones you
expressed in your Love Letter. Write a short letter to yourself as if it is your partner
writing to you.
2. Include all the things you would like to hear from your partner about the hurts you have
expressed. These lead-in phrases may help:
Thank you for . . . I understand . . .
I am sorry . . . You deserve . . .
I want . . . I love . . .
The 5-Part Love Letter By John Gray
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© 1984. John Gray, What You Feel You Can Heal 3
Optional Lead-in Phrases for the 5 Parts of the Love Letter
Dear ________,
I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.
1. For Anger
• I don’t like it…
• I feel frustrated…
• I am angry that…
• I feel annoyed…
• I want…
2. For Sadness
• I feel disappointed…
• I am sad that…
• I feel hurt…
• I wanted…
• I want…
3. For Fear
• I feel worried…
• I am afraid…
• I feel scared…
• I do not want…
• I need…
• I want…
4. For Regret
• I feel embarrassed…
• I am sorry…
• I feel ashamed…
• I didn’t want
• I want…
5. For Love
• I love…
• I appreciate…
• I thank you for…
• I understand…
• I forgive…
• I know…
• My heart’s wish ...
Sign your name
P.S. The response I would like to hear from you is . . .
